I have reached the point in my healing in which the things that I used to do have stopped making sense, but I haven't fully embraced the new, better habits yet. I call this version of myself "the in-between" because I have come too far to completely revert to my unhealed self, but sometimes she slips out to remind me of the work that is yet to come.
Cheesy, but they weren't lying when they said healing is not linear. Changing thought patterns that likely developed before you can remember is f*cking HARD. I get it, my body literally physically rejects new thought patterns at first. I get sick to my stomach trying to push back against the behaviors my mind has been trained to repeat. My mind was completely disconnected from the needs of my body, something that ideally would have been solidified when I was young.
The In-Between space can get dangerous, as you become prone to judging your past self for mistreating yourself. I find myself falling into this trap often, pushing myself deeper into my depression and triggering a series of bad mental health days/weeks/months because it's just easier to keep using the same neural pathways I have had since childhood.
Nevertheless, I will keep f*cking trying to forge new thought patterns. I will keep digging into my past to create a better future for myself. I will extend grace to myself on the days recovery feels impossible, because I know that all of the bad days, triggers, and negative thoughts hold the opportunity for self-discovery and the potential for healing. If every day was easy, we would never grow.
If you've made it to this page, congratulations are already in order. If healing was easy, everyone would do it. But they don't. And here you are, seeking a community to support your healing journey. That's f*cking brave.